by Cynthia Frosch, PhD
In the current climate, many families are choosing to scale back, live more simply, and prioritize. Moving to a larger home or spending money on a nursery may be beyond the reach of many families expecting a new baby. What can new and expecting parents do to simplify the transition to parenthood? Let’s address three key – and free! – investments all parents can make from the start.
Guest Post from The Children’s Project
Feeling Included is a fourth critical emotional need of children. They need to feel they belong, to feel a part of things, to feel connected to other people, to have a sense of community. That’s why kids join cliques, gangs, clubs and teams – to satisfy that need to belong.
By Amy Egan
Recently, I have been coaching a mother whose six-year-old daughter has a lot of control in their home. Due to the nature of their personalities, both parents were allowing this to go on because they saw it as being better than any conflict that ensued when Meg was not given her way. Naturally, life had gotten very uncomfortable for all three of them. To start with, we worked out a plan to help get Mom and Dad back in charge of the situation. Things like not arguing with Meg, setting a limit once and following through with a consequence, not minding when Meg got really upset with them, all helped tremendously. And while both parents were thrilled with the improvements and new-found harmony within the family, Mom was still puzzled by Meg’s almost constant attempts to control her mother.
Our work together then went on to the next layer of the onion, and here is what popped up.
Read the first article in this series: Respect
Read the second article in the series: Important
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Guest Post from The Children’s Project
The third critical emotional need of children is to feel Accepted. Accepting children means listening, trying to understand them, and accepting their right to their own points of view, feelings, desires, opinions, concerns, and ideas. If we act in a way that condemns or ridicules feelings or opinions of children, the implication may be that there is something wrong with them. When that happens, you reduce the chances of their listening to you and of your being able to influence them.
If Sydney Rose, 20, could talk to the young contestants who wowing audiences on shows like “The Voice” and “The X-Factor,” she’d tell them: Even if you don’t make it to the end of this contest, if you have a vision and a talent, don’t ever give up!
The singer/songwriter whose debut pop single, “Breaking Rules,” hit No. 15 on the national radio Top 40 chart earlier this fall, says she tried to put her dream on hold – and couldn’t.
“I’ve been in love with music all my life,” says Rose (www.sydneyrosemusic.com). “I’ve learned it’s an important part of who I am and you can’t ignore that, no matter what your age.”
When our children are young, we get many opportunities to stand firm over things like candy before dinner, screen time limits and their begging for stuff. Even though these are simple things, it can be rough on us to remain firm. After all, it’s painful to endure the ensuing responses whether they be disappointed looks or all out melt-downs. But deep within our souls we realize we must remain strong. We may not always act on that knowledge, but there is long term payoff each time we do stand firm.
When my children were young, I had shortsighted vision about standing firm. I guess when I stayed strong it was because I felt it was best for my child not to have whatever it was they were begging for at the time. I don’t think I was giving lots of thought to the practice I was getting for when they were older. I now have the hind sight to share with others what holding firm is really all about, long-term.
Saying ‘no’ when you know you should tells your child that she has a strong parent, you love her enough to set and enforce limits and helps her to learn delayed gratification as well as resilience. Another great thing about standing firm is that you are modeling inner strength for your child. When you do not cave to her pressure, she is less likely to cave to peer pressure later on.
